Archive for the ‘Random witterings’ Category

calypte 21st June

Happy Solstice, everyone!

Spent a good chunk of this morning journalling, and went from “I’m a bit fed up I should do something” to feeling like there’s a zillion things I want to do and make a start on right now. Given a lack of sleep last night – I was still overheated, and I’m still refusing to switch the light off until ridiculous hours, d’oh! – I imagine some of this might crash and burn early on (like, gimme 10 mins…! 😉 ), but hey – I’ll take what I can get!

My main thought stream is around consistency, something I’ve always sucked at. I’m quite the dilettante, really, interested in 90 things and so flicking from one to the next as soon as anything requires effort. Well, that’s me being harsh on myself!

To counter that, yesterday was my 100th day of meditation in a row – woo! Not the first time I’ve hit that target, but first time since switching to Insight Timer last November. Two things from that: (1) that I totally can stick to things when (a) I want to, and (b) I make it easy on myself – 5 mins was enough to trigger a ‘tick’, for those days when I just didn’t feel it. So, no reason I can’t apply this to other things!

(2) was the topic of the meditation. The 365 challenge is having a ‘forgiveness’ week, which I really don’t care for. So, I looked elsewhere in the app and found a ‘Perfect Week’ set just starting, and have really enjoyed it both days so far! Yesterday’s take away for me was that it’s not about being perfect, it’s about recognising that you’ve become distracted and returning again and again but – important bit! – without beating yourself up about wandering off. Lightbulb moment: that isn’t just about meditating, it’s also healthy eating, exercise, sticking to goals, etc.

So. My usual want in this situation is to throw myself at everything – coding, writing, drawing, etc – because hey, I can’t choose! But I realise that’s daft. I might try to do a few things today, see what resonates most, but I’m thinking writing might be my ‘new’ 100 day challenge. Camp NaNo starts soon anyway, and I was thinking about trying a daily writing goal. Same ‘rules’ as the meditation: 5 minutes is totally fine, if that’s all I’m up for any particular day.

 

IMG_20170621_095427602I think this is me recommitting to my BuJo tracker, in a way, as well as resurrecting my LETS idea – Lowest Effort Turtle Steps (TM? 😉 ). It’s definitely me recognising that little and consistent is the approach I need to get past pretty much all of those ‘fed up’ things.

Feels like good timing, with the Solstice – and 100 days takes me to a little past my birthday, as it happens. And awful timing, given health stuff still being so unsettled. But, right now I’m glad to have a sense of getting on with stuff, or at least a plan to do so, even if it gets interrupted, rather than just waiting. Onwards!

 

 

Moosie addendum 12 November

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Sorry this may not be of great enough import to warrant a second posting but… I just got my diary for next year!!!!

I am dismayed to find that 2015 starts on a Thursday!! That’s a bit rubbish. Does anyone have any thoughts on forming weekly goals/tasks? Would you run Thursday to Wednesday? That seems too confusing to me. Push it to Saturday? or stick with what I did this year which was Tuesday to Monday to match my work week (also quite confusing!)

Answers on the back of a…. Comment please 🙂

The Ruling The Universe diary informs me

…that tomorrow is “eating 7 different types of biscuit day”!

I am woefully under prepared for this, having only some old digestives in the cupboard! But maybe a mix of purchases and baking can help solve the problem!

I did however succeed at national doughnut day yesterday (pictured)

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Hope you are all wildly successful on this momentous day.

Yes, this may have been an excuse to email you all a picture of doughnuts! Hurah!

Hey Moosie!

Saw this and thought of you 🙂

 

mom stuff

I almost posted this on 43T but didn’t because of the privacy thing.

I’ve recently started thinking about reconnecting with my mom.  It’s been 25 years since we’ve seen each other and about 20 since we’ve been in touch.   My mom is a hysterical, narcissistic alcoholic, and for a long time (obviously a very long time) I haven’t felt strong enough to deal with her.  I spent the first 25 years of my life taking care of her unending needs until I’d had enough of that.

Anyway, my mom is 80 years old now and my dad is dead.  I am thinking I might be strong enough to have a limited relationship with my mom.  My plan is to take baby steps toward an ultimate goal of going to Arizona in October and taking my mom out for a meal.  I am going to leave the door open to change my mind all along the way.

The first baby step I am taking is just to discuss the possibility of reconnecting with her with safe people.  I’ve discussed it with Joseph, two good friends who’ve gone through similar situations, and my therapist.  I’m going to continue talking about it.  The next step I think I will take is to send her a note.  Then I can see how that goes.

This whole thing generates a huge amount of anxiety for me.  I am terrified of my entire family.  I think, though, that if I am able to establish a limited relationship with my mom and can see for myself that she no longer has any power over me, it will make me much stronger and more confident.

So that’s that for now.  I felt the need to write about this so that I would have some accountability and possibly get some feedback.

By popular demand

…the I Ching Webinar is now up on my blog.

You will see there is still some stuff to add, and any ideas for further development (like what else you would like to know) are welcome.

Happy divining (or whatever it should be called).

So I’m not sure this “interweb” lark will catch on…

OMG. I am online. On my laptop. Not squinting over my iPhone or looking wistfully at things I can’t afford on the computer in my lunchbreak at work. I am ON-freaking-LINE. OK…so I’m stealing someone else’s unsecured wireless but more fool them, I was literally going crazy without it so have dropped any pretence of fear at either getting found out and shouted at or of a horrible virus getting into my machine (might happen) and got the hell into the World Wide Web.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been desperately unhappy. I’m still not right now and I don’t know if I’m turning a corner or just feeling OK for the moment. I don’t really know what to do about it and feel rather adrift and pathetic. This is badass, this isn’t just feeling a bit sad and down and/or pre-menstrual, this is a full on, snarling Black Dog sinking his teeth into me. I’m afraid because of this and because I’ve not properly been online I haven’t been keeping up with everyone so I have no idea how everyone is and what everyone’s up to and because of this (and the Dog and my prolonged absence) I feel a little like I’m crashing the party – especially as I missed all the Other Place hoo-ha. Anyway. Let’s not dwell on that, today has been one of my better days so let’s celebrate the reasons why:

1. Train Regulars – There is a morning one and a couple of evening ones. The morning one is a guy with great curly hair and good dress sense who I like to spot as I get off the train and also as he passes me on the escalator (I’m a stander, he’s a walker!). The afternoon ones are a gay couple (I’m not certain but am pretty sure) who get off at my stop and they seem cute and lovely and I like the continuity of having them in my carriage!

2. That the boys, R and myself seem to have formed a lovely little post-Training group and we do lunch and so on. Also M went to grab me when he thought I was about to be run over on the way to the pub at lunchtime and it was a fleeting and small moment but it was lovely to have someone be so protective.

3. That I had to call my old work with a genuine work query and I got through to one of my bestest buddies. It made me deliriously happy.

4. Arranging a meet up with a few people I went to school with. Scary stuff but also pretty exciting. Hope I’m not so mopey by then :-/

5. That there are red skinny jeans on ASOS Curve. I want them a lot.

6. Bradley Cooper in The Hangover II

7. Taramasalata

8. Being online. OMFG this feels SO GOOD.