calypte 17th March

Happy St Patrick’s day from me too – and I’m half Irish, if that counts! 😉

Looking forward to a genuinely relaxing day today: work is cancelled, phone calls all made, and nothing actually needing to be done. Woke up yesterday with the relief of a ‘nothing demanding’ feeling, which I totally spoiled for myself with phone call and stressing over phone calls!

First work – with the prospect of up to another 2 or 3 more weeks of waiting, it was time to head back. Boss seemed less keen (weird?), not really wanting me getting into a bit of work then disappearing, I guess. Maybe it’s easier from an admin point of view to just not have me there – or not disrupting the others? However, he wasn’t adverse to me going in if I wanted, so I suggested I could quietly pick away at some of the smaller bits, at least for a couple of days. Another colleague has had to fly home suddenly as his mother is terminally ill, so that’s almost half the team gone – scary days!

Before that, I’d left a message with my old hospital – this was the first year I’d switched to the Edinburgh one (although the main centre is there, so it’s where I have scans and surgery anyway), as the travel/parking at the other one was getting to be a pain. Typical, really, isn’t it?! They’re both part of the same broader authority area (Ed & Lothians), and the team of nurses etc who’ve been looking after my monitoring for the past (gulp!) 25 years had always said that even switching over I was free to contact them – so I did. And it worked, as instead of the ‘next week or week after’ for the CT scan in Edinburgh I’m going tomorrow morning!!

Feel a bit guilty, actually, as if I’ve queue-jumped or gone behind people’s backs. Crazy, really. And to be honest, was really just hoping it would be within the week sometime rather than the week after which would have pushed the consultant/MDM meeting back possibly even into April… I’m clearly not patient with the waiting!

So ended up not going in to work after all – couldn’t be too productive in one day, and if boss is worried about disruption – despite being all ready to go (was actually on the bus already!). It’s all very odd, almost need the reminder (to me or others?!) that I’m not actually ‘sick’ right now, as such (unless stress counts), and still feeling a little guilty over the whole getting squeezed in as a favour, and equal parts glad it’s quicker but still dreading the rush towards the nasty bits. Argh!

Anyway. Brain dump. Might not be ‘ill’, but I’m sure no one is at all surprised that cancer messes with the emotions almost as much as anything else!

So, instead it’s back to filling my time with all the little pottering-type bits I’ve wanted to get around the house: tidying, some batch cooking (fill the freezer ahead of ill days), spent yesterday catching up writing book reviews for the blog, and am researching a lot of writing – can see that as a feasible project for when I’m genuinely not well. And trying to to feel guilty (!) for all the things that I’m still not doing – I have time, sort of, but not necessarily the will. Yet.

I continue to be grateful for the support and kind wishes – thank you! 🙂

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Comments on: "calypte 17th March" (1)

  1. I’m really glad that you’re getting your CT scan tomorrow morning! I bet it will be comforting to see some of the people who’ve been involved with your care for such a long time, too. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping for the very best news from the scan.

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